November 1, 1977
Last night being Halloween, I had a rather interesting experience. It was during the prime trick-or-treating time that I was left alone with only my brother to hand out the treats. Well, it would just be my luck that he had to use the lavatory facilities at that time, necessitating my manning of the door. For whatever inane reasons I have, I was morbidly afraid of dealing with all these strange people. But when I finally did start doing it, I noticed that several kids carefully shyed away from our house--they were afraid of me!
November 3, 1977
A strange phenomenon of my life that I am beginning to observe is that of sleep requirements and the unexplainably wide variations they show. This morning I was wide awake at 4:00 A.M., after retiring at 9:00 P.M., and in school now I don't feel the slightest hint of weariness. But other mornings, I am sure that if I had gotten up at 4:00 A.M. I would be soundly asleep at my desk right now.
I can't ferret out any singular factor as being responsible for this effect; it is probably due to a combination of such things as physical exertion, nutrition, and mental attitude. Indeed, the latter, mental attitude, may have much more to do with sleep requirements than I actually suspect. When I have a burgeoning quantity of assignments due in school, or some other unpleasant task ahead of me, I'll often become uncontrolably [sic] tired, as if there was a subconscious aversion to doing such difficult work that manifests itself as tiredness.
November 8, 1977
It's amazing to me the great physical effect that illusions have on me. There are two examples that I can recall:
The first is an illusion of sight. When I got my new glasses, they not only help [sic] me to better discern features at long distance; they also cause [sic] a strange distortion, making things appear closer than normal. As a result, when I ride my bicycle to school with my glasses on, it appears that I'm going faster than when I ride without them. During the rainy weather we've been experiencing these days, I found it necessary to remove my glasses while riding to school, and when I did, my body was tricked into believing that I wasn't traveling as fast as usual, so there was a greater output of power from my legs in an attempt to compensate.
Illusion no. 2 concerns time. When it became necessary to return to standard time two weeks ago, I didn't turn back my bedside alarm clock. Because of this, when I wake up in the morning -- -- cut off from time lack
November 11, 1977
Yesterday morning a notice was served to m during 3rd hour accounting, a notice summoning me to appear before Mrs. Forsyth during 4th hour. Oh no! I panicked at the small square of paper. Why does she want to see me? What have I done? What crime have I committed? I immediately began to review my recent activities, trying to eke out the reason for this obviously grave notice.
My point? It's simply that whenever some aspect of my affairs is in question, I automatically assume it to be some wrongdoing on my part. When I finally did nervously visit Mrs. Forsyth, it turned out to be a routine check on whether or not I was currently meeting the Northville High School class requirements.
But when I first got that little slip of paper, I felt as though I was being sent up the river for murder in the second degree. The fact that I find myself guilty until proven innocent is, indeed, a distressing and harmful circumstance for me to be in. Unless I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was being called in for some infraction of a school code, I had no reason for fear. Even so, fear is a destructive quantity in itself. Old FDR was absolutely right. I shouldn't have any reason for fear or worry. It doesn't do anything except obstructing any possibilities for dealing with the problem.
November 15, 1977
I have always perceived in myself an element of irrational tendency. At times I find that I'm contemplating some ridiculous, outrageous, or illegal act. But luckily, my constraint system is of such power that these thoughts never materialize in actions. The causes for this behavior totally baffle me. Perhaps a major contributing factor is the constant "don't's," which seem to dare a person to violate them. In persons whose ability to suppress such thoughts is faulty, there must surely be outbursts of irrational behavior.
November 22, 1977
With the Thanksgiving season and subsequent family gathering of my mother's relatives at our home at hand, I'd like to comment on a syndrome I call "home alienation." When I stay up late at night and the rest of the family is in bed, the house gains a cozy, almost intimate intonation. But when the whole family is at our house for Thanksgiving dinner, the place suddenly becomes harsh and indifferent, with scurried activities going off in all directions, the milling of semi-strange people in that same kitchen I once felt so comfortable in. Suddenly, it isn't my place of residence any more. I'm just another visitor in the crowd.
November 29, 1977
Friday is black Friday. For on Friday I will be mercilessly required to subject myself to the vicious torment of a pack of wild wolves. The event? A class presentation! How abysmal! In all my high school days I've never built the power to brave a room full of potential abuse and actually give the speech. With this Friday's presentation of my short story plot goes threats of course failure upon failure to speak when chosen, obviously a strong impetus for completing the assignment. I only hope, for the sake of my life, that I don't panic and give up.
Ahead to December 1977
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